Perhaps one of the most hidden and yet difficult underlying struggles throughout this healing process, has been a sense of unworthiness. That somehow I am, now, unworthy of being treated with the same dignity and care as before the assault. I find myself settling for men who want to “like” me when it’s convenient for them, and cowering away from any thought or hope of interest from the really good men I meet. It is a lie, I know. And yet, its whispers seem to echo through my soul.
I know inherently that I cannot be made dirty by what was done to me. We are made unclean by our choices, and I most certainly did not choose what happened to me that night. Still, though, it seems that the wholeness or purity I once had to offer has been taken from me. That I somehow have less to offer a good, holy man than I did before. How do I break through these lies that leave me vulnerable to men who would only toy with my already fragile emotions or desire me for my body alone?
I know not how or when, but I do know that this too shall pass. But if I am to hope for that, I must work to see it changed. The lies will not disappear on their own. I must work diligently to stand guard against the whispers, reminding myself of truth, I must avoid the situations and variables I notice most present when choosing the wrong men to date, and as in all aspects of this healing process, I must be loving and patient with myself as I stumble through.