To Cease to Exist

Today is one of those days I’d like to simply cease to exist. Yep. Those days still come around every so often. Don’t get me wrong, life is going splendidly at the moment. I am feeling more and more like my alive, soak up every drop of goodness in life self. And yet, when I find myself questioning for the nth time how I’m going to provide for myself, as a potential job has fallen through, having “thought to be solid” relationships unveiled as the mirages they actually are, facing the reality that I am still weary to trust people, particularly men, at their word because of what happened and, finally, wavering as to the exact steps forward I’m meant to take, all the while terrified to take any at all…I find myself on shifting sand. It’s times like these when I remember what it once was to stand firm in confidence. To be unshakable in a decision well discerned. Instead, now I find myself wondering if I have even the strength to deal with one of these factors, let alone all of them at once.

I know that at the moment, I’m down a rabbit hole. I also know, if I can cling to truth and hope and not allow myself to be overwhelmed by it all, that this day will pass. That tomorrow, or a day soon to come, I will awake with a zeal for life again. But these days…these seemingly endless dark days…are consuming. During the time I live inside of them, a part of me still begs to just give up. I do not believe in suicide, both because I believe life is a gift given by God and to choose our death is to imagine we are God himself and because I have known personally the devastating impact that it has on those left behind. And so, on these days, I find myself wishing this breath could be my last. That I could simply cease to exist and leave this world of pain and heartache behind. But then, the clouds part, the day passes, and I find myself ever more indebted to the God who made me, for knowing in every moment better than I and not responding to my plea. For to cease to exist, no matter how much I may long for it when the pain in my heart is so great I’m not sure I can bear it a moment longer, would mean not only giving up the pain that is ultimately momentary, but also the joys, love, and blessings that are left to unfold in my life.

If I am still here, then there is still so much I am meant to be a part of, so much I have left to give…

So, here’s to existing. Here’s to the good days. May they grow more numerous.

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