Not so long ago, I found myself feeling like I was living in a fortress of strength. I had higher energy levels, was able to focus and accomplish tasks with the precision and efficiency I once knew so well, I felt confident, positive, and full of life. I gently told myself throughout the week to enjoy the fortress and to utilize its strength while it lasted because, I reminded myself, this is likely a house of cards masquerading as a fortress. And still, when my house of cards blew over this afternoon, with a tiny wind change, I found myself feeling betrayed by the fortress I had, against my better judgement, become attached to.
This seems to be the image of my healing process. There are sometimes moments, days, or even weeks of feeling as though I’m standing on rock solid ground, sheltered beneath mighty walls, until a change in the wind (which could be anything from plans changing last minute, to facing a room full of strangers, to getting a call regarding the trial) brings down the masquerade. And so often, this is the nature of healing. Rather than a direct route forward, it tends to consist of growth and set backs.
I live in the hope, though, that one day the sturdy fortress I find myself in, will in fact shock and dismay me in an opposite fashion, when despite mighty winds, it stands. Then I shall move in!